Tuesday

It is 10:51 and I cannot sleep.  Today turned out a little less hopeful for me than it started.  

After waking mom up this morning, I had to leave.  From the time of 6:00 to 8:30 all family and visitors have to be out of ICU.  I went and talked to Ethan(my husband), wrote the blog, and went down to breakfast.  I had the most amazing breakfast cooked right in front of me.  

I went back upstairs and Ethan and I saw the Dr.  We listened as he told us he was going to order an MRI.  The doctor said that Mom responded to painful stimuli.  When he pinched her legs, they would respond.  He is worried about weakness in her right leg from the artery that he had to clamp off in surgery.  When he told us about this movement in her legs, he told us that the brain had done an amazing thing.  Mom's tumor had probably been pushing against the artery for a long time.  Mom's brain had already begun to take over her right leg from a different part of the brain.  He reminded us we "are not out of the woods yet."  He has seen patients die from swelling in their brain.  But he also told us she was on the most medicine that he could give her and the nurses were monitoring her.  He told us that we could talk with her today and as long as the nurses said it was okay, we could touch her and bother her.  This will help Mom know that it is daytime.  

I went directly to see her after this news.  I wanted to let her know about it.  When I got there, I spoke with her for a bit and then they took her to get an MRI.  She was gone for 1 1/2 hours.  Uncle John, Aunt Cheryl, Uncle Jim, Aunt Rita, and Uncle Chuck waited until they could go into her room and say goodbye.  We followed the rules and let only two people in at a time.  The nurse still came out in the hall and moved our group to the waiting room.  We had too many people outside the door to her room.  We followed the new rule without much complaining because we want the nurses focus to be mom. 

By 1:30 our whole family had gone.  Weather was getting bad in some places and where it wasn't bad - the news casters would say the bad weather was on it's way.  

As soon as everyone was gone, I headed to the hotel to take a shower.  I also stopped at my favorite store - Barnes and Nobel. I enjoy the smell of new books.  I like to read when I want my imagination to take me to a new place. Today, I wanted a book to help me get my mind off of where we are and why we are there.  I wanted a book so that I could sort of talk to mom - without having to think of words.  Angela Allen (a good friend of mine) is a reader and she suggested two series of books.  I picked the Julia series by Ann B. Ross.  I am sure this will be a wonderfully light hearted book to share with mom.  

I then headed back to the hospital.  I got lost on the way back.  I ended up in highland park.  It is really not a bad place to end up if you are lost.  Eventually I found my way back to the hospital and visited with Mom. 

We didn't see her really open her eyes the rest of the day.   The doctor did see her nod her head when he went on his rounds, but Daddy and Heidi didn't see that.  My husband says that we saw a lot this morning.  Mom is probably tired and he was surprised that we saw as much as we did already.  

After that, the ICU closed again and Daddy, Heidi and I went to a restaurant to eat.  We sat in a booth and Daddy pointed out that we had an empty seat where Mom should be.  It was really the first time we had sat down together - just our family since this whole thing began.  Tomorrow it will be a week.  

Going in at 8:30, I stood by her bed and tried to warm her hands.  I spoke softly to her and told her I loved her many, many times.  I don't want to leave her side at all.  I feel that if I sleep or turn around the fragile schedule that I have pieced together will break.  I know with all of my heart that God is in control of this situation.  He will not give any of us more than we can handle.  I repeat those words in my mind often.  

Blessings:

I am blessed that I have a great family that I love and spend time with.  I am blessed that I did have the good morning I had.  After waking mom up I found blessings all over the hospital - the Dr. Pepper was fixed in the cafe, omlets were for breakfast and there was not a line, I got to spend non -kid time with Ethan, I got to see my uncles who live far, far away.....

I am also blessed to have parents who love each other very much.  Tonight, Heidi and I went in first to say goodnight.  (About 8:30 pm).  After we saw her, we waited in the hall.  I watched Daddy talking to her.  He wants to be so gentle.  He speaks in a soft voice and he continues to pat her arm, leg, or hand.  He seems a little lost without her.  We all are.  

For some, tomorrow (Wednesday) will be a snow day.  My advice is to call, take pictures, hug, and kiss the ones you love.  I know you will.  Savor every moment.